Dr. Brené Brown is a motivational speaker and world-class story teller. She has delivered many sessions on courage, vulnerability, shame, marriage, etc., all backed by research that she conducts and experiences that she has with her family. In my personal journey, filled with mistakes, flaws, and even some regrets, I can attribute much of my growth to my team of therapists and my wife's relentless support, both of which have mentioned Dr. Brown on multiple occasions. The snippet this post is focusing on stems from a late night of YouTube scrolling, where I came across an interview between Dr. Brown and Tim Ferris. You can find that clip at  https://youtu.be/5TkBHILA6qM.

Should relationships (marriages, friendships, parent/child, etc.) be 50/50? I know I have heard this a million times, "Successful relationships involve a 50/50 split in effort or it will never last." For the longest time, I thought that to be true. It seemed like a sound theory. It keeps the relationship fair, and helps ensure equal investment and buy in. It gave me a base-line for personal evaluation. Am I meeting my end of the agreement? Can I do more? Am I doing too much? But, as beneficial as that may be, it also left the door open for problems. The questions quickly become, "Why isn't my partner doing enough? Why doesn't my friend ever make the plans?" Now the relationship takes on one of the most damning feelings a relationship has to endure; resentment. When resentment creeps in, suddenly all of the focus is on the other party, and the once self-reflective, self-guiding focus has now disappeared. Then the mistakes happen. You argue, you say hurtful things, you find other things/people to help make up the difference that you perceive your friend to be deficient in fulfilling. The whole spirit of the 50/50 theory has now been squashed, and the relationship damaged, sometimes beyond repair.

Dr. Brown mentions at the 1:35 mark in the interview the 80/20 theory. The over-simplified spark notes of this theory is that relationships are never 50/50. Sometimes it is 80/20, sometimes it is 55/45, but the relationships that last are predicated on the notion that when one person in the relationship can only give 20%, the other person will give more than their prescribed 50% and instead give 80% to help make up the difference. Successful partnerships work this way. For example, one person has a bad day at work and returns home with the effort and energy to only give 25% toward the relationship. For the relationship to function, the other person can't harbor resentment for their partner failing to meet their obligatory 50% and instead needs to help pick them up and operate at 75%. The best teams in sports history have all operated this way; when the star scorer isn't hitting buckets, the other teammates are expected to contribute more than they're normally expected to in order for the team to succeed. 

Dr. Brown goes on to talk about what her and her spouse do when both of them are unable to give enough to equal 100%. A relationship is different than a sports team. In athletics, if the team can't compensate, they lose the game. In relationships, the stakes are higher because failure to operate at 100% could spell the death of the relationship because of all those "mistakes" I mentioned earlier. Dr. Brown and her spouse sit down and devise a plan on how to help accommodate their deficiency together. Order out instead of cook. Cancel plans with people who stress you out. Watch a terrible movie instead of grinding through the laundry. Elevate "self-care" from an individualist standpoint to a together standpoint for "relationship-care."

Not all relationships will sit down and literally quantify the level of effort each individual can give to the relationship on a given day. Most of the time, in strong relationships, it just happens. One person senses that the other can't give their 50 and in turn helps support them by giving more effort. Where I think more relationships could benefit, is by being deliberate when both parties can't give the effort needed. Intentionally acknowledging that interventions need to be put into place for the betterment of the relationship is necessary and healthy for the relationship and the individuals involved. 

This strategy also helps determine when it may be time for a relationship to end, but does so in a way that focus introspectively instead of focusing on the deficiencies of the partner. Instead of, "This friend never puts in enough effort," or "My spouse never does any of the cleaning," the conversation becomes, "I am always giving 80% and I can't sustain," or "On days where I can only give 20%, I don't feel supported." Moving from these "you" statements to these "I statements" allows an individual to truly evaluate the health of the relationship. If you are in a friendship or some other type of relationship, you owe it to yourself, the other individual, and the relationship itself to work on the 80/20 rule and self-care for when you both fall short. 

When a small business decides to reach out for consultation a partnership is formed. The potential success hinges on the strength of this business relationship. And while the day to day operations will not demand an evaluation of 50/50 or 80/20, there will be an established breakdown of effort/input. This breakdown is fluid and changes frequently throughout the consultation process. For example, I have had clients that want me to take 80% and design the website for them. They give their 20% in feedback, alterations, and general requests. It's important for me to understand this breakdown. If I am expected to handle 80% of the input, I have to acknowledge that the customer does not want to be bothered by endless questions and I cannot expect constant validation. On the flip-side, I have had clients that want the polar opposite, and want to drive with 95% of the input and only use me for 5% because that is all they need. In that instance, I need approval for almost every step of the process. But the majority of the time, the input is fluid. It starts by the customer giving more input as I seek out expectations, desires, and general outlines for the consulting to be done. We then shift into a phase where I am doing most of the input, checking in from time to time to make sure those established expectations are being met. Finally, the customer takes back over with majority input and helps put the final touches on whatever project we are working on together. The key component throughout this entire process is communication. 

What makes the relationship successful is ITC doing what it takes to get to 100%. If the customer wants to give more input, ITC can help in a way that doesn't overstep what the customer wants. If the customer is unsure exactly what they want, ITC can use its experience to help move the project along without overwhelming the customer and placing too many demands on the customer. ITC believes in the business relationship and will do whatever it takes to help ensure that the relationship is sucessful so that the small business can succeed! We would love to earn your business and start this business relationship; Request a Consult Today!